Why it's worth it

Ministry--let's be real shall we--it isn't always glorious. It isn't always rewarding. It isn't always easy.

You don't usually hear that right out of Bible college or seminary. You hear just the opposite: You're equipped! Thousands like you have gone before. Take the world by storm. Be Jesus to the masses.

The reality is this: ministry is difficult, messy, full of broken people, and not about you. This can lead us to some very hard places. Places of doubt and anxiety. Feelings of am I good enough? We may question our calling and if it's time to move on.

I've been there. In fact, if I were completely honest, I've been there more times than I care to admit. I just walked through a period exactly like I described. Feelings of doubt. Questions of calling. Hurt. Depression. Worthlessness. Asking God why...

The truth is I questioned if I was to be in ministry after a very, very hard season. A season that saw much pain and grief. A season marked by lack of affirmation, being moved without understanding why, and wondering why we were leaving good students who we loved and cared for.

"God," I cried out, "Why does it hurt?! Did You not call me to this? Why is there so much pain? Such heartache? Do you have a plan? Am I washed up?"

Many of you are or have been there. You question why. You wonder if you're called. You take a break from ministry to heal and consider not going back. You cry...for hours, days, months...you've been there. I have too.

But in walking through this I have seen that it is worth it. That God has a plan. That ministry can and will get better. That there is light at the end of the very long tunnel. That we are called. That the enemy will try to use doubt, inadequacies, hurtful comments, critical natures, and rough patches to try to turn you from being God's faithful servant.

Brothers and sisters hear me: we are called according to God's purpose, by the One who foreknew us, and is using us to accomplish His workmanship! Ministry was never meant to be easy. We are called to a life of difficulty in ministering to a world that has turned its back on its Savior. There will be moments of suffering, moments of fracturing, but also moments of great joy!

We do not do this for our own affirmation. We do not do this for notoriety. We do not do this to be the best friend of students or to be the most popular youth pastor. We do not do this to be liked or given gifts. We do not do this to be the center. We do this to point to the Center: our Savior.

This season was hard. As I was sharing with my students about why God was calling us away. As I wept openly looking at students that I had become a father to. As I asked why, God spoke. He spoke through the many hands that students laid on my wife and I. He spoke through the parents who hugged us goodbye. He nourished our spirits as students and volunteers talked of how God worked through us to help them. He wept with Elise and I as we said goodbye to our home. He rejoiced as we were welcomed to where He called us. He smiled as we connected with new students. He whispered "trust Me" as we began to faithfully walk in a new ministry and season.

My friends. My co-laborers. Know that ministry is hard, but it is worth it! We may not always see it on this side of eternity, but know that you can continue to serve because our rest and our reward is in Him and Him alone. The author and perfecter of all things! It will get better, God will use you, lives will be changed, and God will say, "Well done, My good and faithful servant." Ministry is worth it!

Post-Election Thoughts

Waking up this morning I was greeted with the headline "President Trump". I wish I had stayed awake last night to watch the turn of events, but my warm and comfy bed was calling my name, plus I am getting older.

To be perfectly honest, I had thought Hillary was going to win the election and I had already prepared myself for that. I had voted not for either of the main candidates because morally I could not align with their views, policies, speech, or denials, so instead for the first time in my life voted third party.

This morning was vastly different from what I expected. I had thought I would see the normal post-election celebrations, the rejoicing among the party's supporters, boisterous parties after the victory speech, but instead there seemed to be two things that stood out. Fear and peace.

Together they seem like an odd coupling because when one normally fears, peace is not in direct sight. But these emotions came from opposite ends of the spectrum. Democrats and Republicans alike expressed both emotions and feelings. Neither party rested upon either one reaction but instead these feelings were expressed by people of all walks of life and political affiliations.

Too often I fear that we allow our political parties to define our faith. We place our faith in politicians. We place our faith in security that political policies will offer. We place our faith in change or hope. We place our faith in something tangible. We place our faith in something fallible...mankind.

My heart broke this morning as I witnessed young women I work with saying they were now scared of what this election meant for them. Scared that a president who advocated for using and assaulting women was now in control. Scared that they would become a victim and a statistic. Scared that they were once again marginalized and forgotten.

I cried as I saw many friends who are first generation immigrants wonder if their families would be torn apart. They questioned if they should move from a land they had fled to for freedom, because they now feared persecution. They feared that what happened to the Japanese Americans in World War Two may happen to them.

I watched in wonder as many people thanked God that "His candidate had won." I saw many pastors proudly post that "God placed the right man, and not the corrupt woman where he belonged." I read rants about how those who voted for Hillary needed to be expelled from the country and how America is once again God's chosen nation.

Is this truly the culture that we have allowed to become reality? My friends, have we allowed the political institution of one country to define how our lives are run? Do not hear me as advocating for some type of uprising or anarchy, but instead please pause for a moment and think about what would happen if we treated the Gospel the same way we treated this election.

Instead of posting constantly about the election on social media perhaps we should post about the Gospel. Instead of proclaiming God's candidate maybe we should proclaim the King of Kings. Instead of lambasting the evil political party that you oppose perhaps extending an olive branch and bringing cookies and coffee to those who differ in opinion and praying together may change something. Instead of stating that the president elect will turn back the dial on change for women, immigrants, and the LGBTQ community perhaps we as believers should do better to initiate change within our own churches and congregations.

When did it become politics that changed the world? When did politicians begin to instill fear or peace in the hearts of man?

There is only one Man who brings both peace and fear. One Man who will change this world. One Man who died so that you may live, not in fear but in the glorious hope He offers.

Let us not rest in the fear or peace that this election has supposedly brought. Instead let us live in confidence knowing that Christ is alive, Christ died so that we may live, Christ will come back, and Christ most assuredly is in control yesterday, today, and forever.

Do not let this election define you or your mission. Let the Gospel always do that. Let the Gospel not our political stance be our voice. Rest assured that no man or woman, no country, no political stance, no policy will define you. It is the grace and restoration of the Gospel that defines us. Today, and every day, we should stand for the Gospel and its mantra.

When Does it End?

My heart breaks for all the shooting and unrest that is happening within our country and around the world. The complete lack of regard for human life is not only sickening but deplorable as well. When did human life become something that persons thought they had the power to take. I have grown weary of the violence and bloodshed.

Recently I was battling against this feeling of acceptance to violence. Many of you, if you were honest, would agree. We have become complacent with what is happening. We have grown to accept it as another facet of life. We have come to recognize it as the norm! Let me be honest and offer a little insight. Media had steeled my heart and soul to the violence. I could watch another story on a shooting, stabbing, bombing of a hospital, bodies in the street. Where before I used to turn away in remorse, pain, and empathy it has now become just another news story that I watch without batting an eye. When does it end?

We have become so complacent and accepting of what we see and hear and this has became all too clear at a recent shooting at our mall. Many of you know the story, but a young man shot a woman three times because she had ended a relationship with him, and this all unfolded while Elise and I were within site of the act. A young lady lost her life that evening, and it pains me to say that for a few days it never really set in. I was interviewed for local news agencies. I watched countless reports on the shooting. Read every document I could. But the reality that a child of God was brutally taken from this world did not set in for quite a while.

When it did, I mourned deeply. I began to cry over the violent way a life was ended. All this happened while I was watching a news story on the shooting, and I noticed immediately after that story more stories of violence, pain, and bloodshed filled the newscast. Truly violence sells. Truly violence has so impacted our lives it draws us in. Truly violence has become a way of life for us. Whether we commit it or choose to ignore it we are allowing violence to continue.

We must do something about this! We must change this! We must bring the love of Christ to the forefront of these issues! No more sitting by. No more pretending it doesn't happen. No more making excuses. No more ignorance. No more!!!

Let me make this clear: This is neither a political rant nor a religious stance (although I hope all I do and say is rooted in Christ and His calling on us to be His disciples) although those must be addressed. First for all of us who use these acts of violence as a pedestal for our political views and candidates...STOP! Stop using it as a crutch to fuel your political party, and simply help us stop it. Do not post your hashtags claiming you want to end violence, but do something about it. Hashtags mean nothing without helping the problem. Do not scream on street corners at those you do not agree with. When has yelling ever solved anything? Maybe engage the person and have a vested interest in them and perhaps change can take place. Attempting to block traffic and disrupt public servants turns them against your cause because you have become part them problem in their eyes. Maybe bring them coffee and ask to talk over your views. When was the last time you took your mayor, congressman, police chief lunch and asked to talk over the issues facing your town, county, state, country, or world? Instead of criticizing how a shooter or child molester "fits the profile" or "looks like someone who would do that" maybe we should focus on reaching out to those people before these acts occur. So many of these individuals have faced trauma and hurt that have now become a catalyst for what they did, but in the same breath so many of them never received help, love, or support. Instead of casting blame and presupposed views maybe instead we should be working to reach those on the fringe, the ones society forgets or willfully walks away from, those students who are tormented, those children who are abandoned, those people forgotten. Maybe instead of casting judgement we should cast concern, care, and love to others and seek to fix the problem at the root before it starts.

As for those who use violence as a resource for your so called "faith"...Shut it! Those who believe that you can proclaim that the shooting at Planned Parent Hood was an act of God's judgement or that this vile act saved lives, you are foolish and profane the very God you are claiming to serve. That is not love in the least bit. A true Christ follower would have gone down and helped those in need and served the widows and orphans. A true Christ follower would not belittle a woman seeking out an abortion but would ask her her name, to offer another option, and if she says no would not belittle her or cast slurs or Bible verses of condemnation upon her, but would instead call her their sister and let her know how much they love her and the life she carries.

All this to say: we have an obligation. An obligation to change our world. An obligation to turn from our violent ways. An obligation to protect life, not take it. An obligation to stand for truth, freedom, mercy, and grace. Imagine a world that our news stories glorified these aspects of society and humanity and not the killing and hurting of other people. What then? As a Christian, I have spiritual and moral obligation to do all I can to help end the hurt, pain, and violence that plagues this world. We are called to be the hands and feet of Jesus, and we cannot do that by pretending the problem doesn't exist, we cannot do that by becoming desensitized to the issues, we cannot do that by simply praying for the problem to end. We must change how we react, must change our interactions, simply put we must act. We must engage. We must show this world who Jesus is, how He values life, how He alone can bring healing, and how our world will only truly be healed once everyone has heard the name of Jesus and He returns to take us home.

Will you help change the world? Change isn't something I can make happen. But I can lead by example...the example Christ Himself set forth. I will love others regardless of race,gender, ethnicity, economic stance, sexual orientation, or religious views. I will seek to clothe and feed those who are orphaned, alone, and hungry. I will serve our public servants and politicians out of respect and a realization that their jobs are hard and thankless. I will not cave to the violence that we see but instead pray daily that God allows me to be a light in a dark place, a beacon on a hill, that proclaims love, grace, mercy, redemption, and transformation.

Will you help change the world?

Knees

Everyday students from my youth group would walk into their schools and drop to their knees and pray out loud for their school, their teachers, their friends and their enemies. Have you dropped to your knees lately? - Sam Bhatt

That question has been plaguing my mind often these past few months, and it feels like even more so these last couple of weeks. This notion of prayer, daily, constant prayer, that can radically change your life and bring about results you never dreamed of. This has been something that has been causing some inner struggle for me. 

I am a control freak and a fixer. Any guy who reads this will probably be able to relate to that statement in some way. It isn't that I have to micromanage my life or the lives of those around me, but I don't like to feel, well, out of control. I like to keep myself, my life, my family safe and secure. I like security (I was in that business for years after all) and comfort and consistency. Change is hard. Trust is hard. If there is a problem I like to fix it. I don't like leaving projects incomplete, conversations unfinished, problems unsolved, or wrongs not righted. It is who I am as a guy. I like to have my life just so, I like to protect those I love, heal their hurts, provide for them, and give them what they need.

But recently I have been confronted with just how out of control I am. I have no power, no control, no authority. I have been wrestling long and hard with failures I have committed, wrongs I have done, not having enough financial stability to offer peace, fear of the future and the unknown, questioning different medical issues (no I am not dying). I have been clutching onto my own power, my own will, my own safety, my own comfort. I have been refusing to trust God. And I know I have written about faith and trust before but I am finding now just how much my heart is grieved by the fact I don't go to God with my troubles and pains. Instead I convince myself that I, a sinful and fallen human being, can radically alter my own life and remove the pain, hurt, doubt, and fear all on my own.

I have been attempting to do this for years and to be quite honest with you...it sucks! I can't put it any other way. Trying again and again and again to maintain a life of comfort, to meet everyone's needs, to provide beyond my means, to go at it alone, to fix everyone's problems, to do it my way. I have and continue to be that guy. That guy who follows Jesus but is scared to death of what giving everything to Him looks like.  I am terrified of saying, "God here is my family, God here are my finances, God here are my medical bills, God here are my fears, God here is the control. God here is my life."

Because what if He doesn't answer how I want? What if His fixing of the problem isn't the same as mine? What if God says no? This terrifies me so much. It scares me to the point I wake up at night. I wonder and worry about circumstances I cannot control because of just that. I have no control and that scares me.

But I believe God is working on my heart and saying "my child don't you know I only want the best for you?" God's Word says that He knows me. He knew me in my mother's womb. He knows the exact number of hairs on my head. God knows my prayers even when I don't. He knows me better than I know myself. He leads me beside still waters, He comforts me, He protects me, He is always anointing me with His goodness and love. See Scripture makes it clear that God is the God of all comfort, goodness, hope, and peace, and that He can do more than we could ever ask or imagine. God isn't a God who stands in the shadows hoping to act when we refuse to give up control, our God is one who is constantly acting and orchestrating our lives even when we don't see it. But when we give up control, when we let fear go, when we take a step of faith, God is there to say "my child come to me, my burden is light and I have this. I will and always have taken care of you. Put all your worries and doubts on me. I love you my child and I will always be your loving, caring, and sustaining Father."

So yes, while doubt, fear, worry, and control plague my life on a daily basis, even louder rings this truth: My God, my Dad, is in control. I don't need to worry or fear, God will handle it. When I am overwhelmed by a cloud of doubt or anxiety, when I cannot see the light at the end of this dark valley, when I fear the unknown, when life becomes too much to bear, God, my God, is in complete control.

I can't say this is easy. I can't say that I like this feeling but it is something I am learning to embrace. And each day I am making it a habit to hit my knees on the floor as I cry out to God. I cry out and declare my lack of control, I lay out my fears and insecurities, I beg for guidance, and I ask for strength to rely upon His sovereignty and all-encompassing love. I truly believe many of us struggle with this, and I would plead with you to hit your knees as well. Go before your Father each day and ask for the strength we don't have, the guidance we need, the faith we should have, and a desire to cede control each and every day. It is truly in the lack of control that we can rest easy and know that control isn't ours but instead the Creator of the universe is in control of everything. 

What if?

I have been thinking a lot lately about a lot of things. And as this blog has become a platform for my musings, please allow me the opportunity to put some questions out there that are meant to spur reflection, inward thinking, outward reaction, open and honest dialogue, and hopefully change. Please know that the following does not represent anyone or any church in particular, but is a broad grasp at a bigger issue facing the church in North America today. Understand that this is not some rant against Christians or churches or denominations, but simply meant to cause us as believers in Jesus to rethink what we are doing, and then ask ourselves are we being effective for the Kingdom of Christ and are we representing Jesus in a manner He would be proud of?

What if.....

We got rid of denominations?
Now bear with me for a moment. I know many of us, although we won't say it out loud, will live and die by our denominational dogmas and orthodoxy, our church's potato salad, and the worship style we have. But is it truly worth it? What would happen if churches began to remove whatever rifts cause them to become an island or a cluster of islands within a denomination and instead began to passionately pursue bringing Jesus into their towns, cities, states, and countries by having a united front? Is that too much to ask? Is it that too hard for us to lay aside differences on theology or dogma to embrace growing the kingdom? What is the worst that could happen if churches united to spread God's Word? Revival? I am not asking us to neglect doctrine or the core tenants of our faith, but instead to admit and understand that there will be differences and as long as those do not contradict the Bible, why can't we lay them aside for the greater mission: growing the kingdom of God?

We embraced sinners?
What if instead of turning up our noses to gay marriage and cringing when a man introduces us to his husband, we instead welcome them into the church just as they are? I know I took on another inflammatory issue within the midst of this statement, but it proves my point! We as Christians have done a stellar job at ostracizing different communities since the foundation of the church. Be it the Greeks in the New Testament, the Muslims during the Crusades, the doctors who performed abortions and the women who received them during the 90's, or the LGBT lifestyle that has become part of our current culture, the church has done a great job at pushing people away. Is that what we want to be known for? Do we want to be known as body of the Christ that loves and ministers to sinners like Jesus did, or do we simply want to become the Pharisaical church that people walk away from? What if we welcomed those who are struggling? What if we loved sinners instead of judging them? What if like Jesus did we hung out with the sinners and tax collectors? Would that be such a bad thing?

What if churches became a safe haven again?
There I go asking a question that immediately riles peoples' feathers. I am right there with you. I immediately want to cry foul on this and proclaim that my church, yes I attach undue ownership to what is rightly God's, is a safe haven for all people! Broken or otherwise, come as you are, love the sinner hate the sin. But let's be honest here...churches as whole suck at this! We ostracize people, we gossip, we break trust, we form cliques, we become elitists. Many of you would say "Now Nick the church is made up of broken people, and we are all still sinners. No church is perfect" but I would reply "Why not?! Why aren't we striving for perfection? Why do we throw up that answer as if it excuses us from loving the way Jesus loved?" Churches were meant to be a place where people could gather free of shame and guilt, free from the gossip and drama that plagued their lives, and free to come as they are before their loving Father who gave His Son so we could shed this sinful shell we call a body! But what if we became a place that the widows, the poor, the fatherless, the childless, the broken, the convicts, the outcasts, the "bigger" sinners could come and be cared for? What if the church again became a church where everyone gave of themselves so all could be loved and cared for? What if people no longer had to fear being pointed at or talked about during or after a service or counseling session? Maybe the church would grow...maybe people would see Christ and Christians differently. Maybe, just maybe, revival would once again take this land!

What if? Just what if? What if the church in America began to change? Would it be all that bad? Are we so stuck in our ways that we have forgotten our true calling as the Bride of Christ? Are we so caught up in making rules and guidelines and calling out others, that we have become spiritually blind to the greater issue at hand just like the Pharisees of old?

Like I said, I know that this is a post that will rile some of us up. I know it can be cringe worthy, but my hope in this is to help us as believers think through how we are ministering to others, and how we can better serve our Lord and Savior. So I ask you...

What if?

A life verse and an honest confession

So recently I have been really challenged by a verse in the Bible, and when I share it some of you may laugh and say "yeah, you totally need to embrace it." And I would agree, but hopefully you will keep reading and allow for me to explain why.

Each year I have been trying to find a word, verse, chapter, or passage in Scripture that I can make my "life verse" for that year, and my life in general. It has been a while since I have talked about this, because well, duh, I haven't written in a long time. But this verse has been something I have wanted to talk about for a long time! So here goes...my verse this year is James 1:19-20 "Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of man."

So let me hit the obvious first. I like talking...A LOT! There have been times that certain people in my life gave a look, a smack, or just told me to stop talking because I tend to take over conversations. And most of you reading this know that about me. It isn't like I am espousing some awesome new truth about the life of Nick. I like to talk, which is probably one of the reasons I am in the profession I am now.

But this verse has more to do with my life than just telling me to shut it, and if you will bear with me for a short (hopefully short) while I will try to explain it.

I have noticed this past year that in many situations I have controlled a conversation I shouldn't have. I have talked way more than I should have and didn't listen nearly as much as I needed to. If I have done that to you, please accept my sincere apologies. It is never my intent to do that and I know that I have probably alienated some of you by doing so. I never look to take the spotlight or to be the focal point, but I know it sure seems that way.

This verse has been jumping out to me like a slap to the face since November of this past year, and I only began to listen around Christmas time (another character flaw...I am super stubborn!). And when I began to listen I realized that yeah, I talk a lot but I also don't listen. If you have ever been in a conversation with me you may have noticed that when someone else speaks I tend to finish their sentences, or immediately jump in when they pause to breathe, or I just start talking over them.

Realizing this has been hard on me. I have realized that I have made others feel like what they have to say doesn't matter, I have seemed prideful, and I have pushed people away because I don't listen. Again, I am sorry for this and that is not who I am nor who I want to be perceived as.

This verse has challenged me to not only be slow to speak but also quick to listen. I love to fix problems! Most guys do, and because of that we, I, often offer up solutions without truly hearing what the other person is saying. So I am striving to make that my goal this year. Not to stop being a fixer or problem solver, but instead to listen, to process, and respond in kind. For me that means pausing before speaking, truly listening to others, and processing what to say in response to what was said.

Hopefully you will begin to see a difference in how I respond when we talk. Know that this is a process for me and I am learning through this. Please help keep me accountable and be willing to grab me by my face to make me listen if necessary (just not too hard, I am pretty fragile), and be praying for me. God is teaching me a lot and I have been really challenged by this. My prayer is two-fold in this. One that God helps to make me a better Christ follower and leader, and two that others may see Christ in me and have a desire to grow to be more like Him as well. I want to be man of God who is seen as righteous not because of anything I do, say, or think but because I am following the Word of God and living by it.

So there it is. An open and honest look into my life and how God is stretching me. Thanks for taking time to read this.

Proactive ways to enhance your marriage before (and after) you say “I Do”

So I am married now! I know right?! I am thrilled to be a husband and to have a wife to go home to every day. It is a dream come true for me. I married my best friend and I couldn’t be happier.

Because of getting married, it has taken me a little while to get back to blogging as with the whirlwind of wedding planning, the wedding and honeymoon themselves, with moving Elise from her old place to our new home, and looking into ministry opportunities time has been anything but present or available.

But even with all the busyness, craziness, and stress nothing could damper married life. I love being married to my wife. In fact, I just like saying “my wife” because it comes naturally for me. I know for some of you reading this you will hasten to say “Be careful it is the honeymoon period” or “Just wait until you can’t hang out with the boys” or “Wait until dinner isn’t ready”. But in reality I don’t think Elise and I have a “honeymoon period” nor will we be looking to jump on to any one issue to damper our relationship.

Sure I know hard times will come, disagreements will abound, stress will arise, and hardships will show their faces but that doesn’t mean I have to love being married any less. Elise and I know that marriage takes work and that we have growing to do, but I also know that we have entered into the covenant prepared. What I would like to communicate to you are some proactive steps to take before marriage to help prepare you to deal with problems that could, and most likely will, arise during your marriage.

1.       Open and honest communication

a.       Communication in any relationship is vital to its success. If you cannot talk to one another, than simple issues become problems, problems become grudges, grudges lead to hurt, hurt leads to unsolved heartbreak, and heartbreak leads to unresolved issues that fracture a relationship. Communication is hard for me personally as I tend to internalize and attempt to deal with all my problems on my own. But this leads to stress, emotional distress, and more gray hairs than I care to mention. This step will take some concessions from both people as you must learn to be open and honest about what is going on in your life, which also means being willing to go on to step two. For those preparing to go into marriage seek out meaningful conversation, ask open-ended questions, and look to know your future spouse better than anyone else.

2.       Be willing to accept fault and apologize

a.       When you are being open and honest there will come times when you will need to admit you messed up and apologize for what you have done. This takes a great amount of humility and self-awareness on the part of the one admitting wrong, but the one to whom it is being conveyed should also exercise step three.  Admitting wrong and seeking forgiveness and grace will always point us towards our heavenly Father. When we begin to see how He bestows grace on those who confess we understand just how pivotal it is for us to follow suit.

3.       Always forgive

a.       When your spouse, or soon to be spouse, comes to reconcile and ask forgiveness, do not hold out on granting that to them. Forgiveness is essential in a marriage. If you harbor pain, hurts, anger, and resentment you will not only become embittered, you will always assume the worst, seek to hurt your spouse, and always be looking for excuses and a way out. This is not how a marriage should look. Again, we are to remember Christ’s example to us, in how He loved us in spite of our short comings and always forgave even when it was underserved.

4.       Engage in premarital (and possibly other) counseling

a.       This is something that to most Christians seems like a no-brainer as it has become almost the norm for any Christian couple to have some sort of premarital counseling. But most Christians also have a preconceived notion that it will be just a “ho-hum” sort of thing, where it will be rife with awkward conversations, outdated material, and little if any help to an actual marriage. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. Going to a counselor is one the best things you can do as a couple because it forces you to think through issues you may not have as a couple, you see your differences and learn to work with them, you see the ways you are strong and weak as a couple, and you learn how to love better. Going to see a counselor doesn’t mean you are weak or that you have problems, but it does help you to stop problems from occurring, and grow in your love for one another.

5.       Be a servant

a.       This I cannot emphasize enough. Marriage is not about you. Marriage is not about one person or the other. It is about two becoming one and each working to serve the other in order to benefit each other. This is hard to do, and if you enter a marriage believing you can begin to model it only after you say “I do” you are horribly mistaken. This needs to start taking place before you even begin to think about marriage. I keep coming back to the model Christ set forth (because it is the only model we need) and Christ modeled being a servant throughout His entire ministry and as such we need to model this to our spouses. Learn self-sacrificing love that seeks to build each other up (see step six), strive to serve through all aspects of your life, and never use being a servant as a manipulative tool.

6.       Don’t look to criticize, look to empower

a.       When you are in a relationship you should never look to criticize your significant other or put them down. Our society says otherwise. If you watch television, go to the movies, or witness relationships that are self-seeking and not about serving, you can see clearly how both partners put each other down. This is not love, this is not the cornerstone for a relationship, and in fact this will destroy any relationship you have. We should not look to break down one another but instead we should look to encourage and build up our spouses. They are set apart for us by God and should be treated as the very gift they are to us.

7.       Seek to put aside love of self

a.       Marriage is interesting because you learn more about yourself by putting yourself aside. That isn’t to say you don’t care about yourself or your needs, but rather you put someone else’s needs before your own. This is a tough nut to chew because truly loving someone means putting their needs and desires ahead of your own, understanding it isn’t always about you, and realizing that love and marriage takes work.

8.       Put God as the center

a.       If you truly want your marriage to be one that grows and is a blessing to both people, than God must be the center. I can tell you that sharing the same faith and love for God that my wife does, has made my marriage a thousand times better. To see her passion and love for God as we serve in our church, as we pray, as we read the Bible, it makes me love her all the more. God is the reason we are together, the reason we click, the reason we always will be together, our Rock in hard times, and the cornerstone of our marriage. He will get us, and you, through the hard times, be there during the good times, and never will He abandon you.

9.       Seek to marry your best friend

a.       I know that sometimes people aren’t looking to get married and that person appears seemingly at random, but that shouldn’t stop you from seeking to know that person as best you can. I have been blessed to marry my very best friend. Elise and I have known each other for over seven years now, and because of that we know so much about each other. Sure there is always more to learn, like what type of laundry detergent someone likes, but that comes with time. My point is that even on those rough days where you are in a disagreement with your spouse, you realize it is your best friend and the love of your life and know that together you can make it through anything. In short, don’t settle for marrying someone other than your best friend, someone other than the one person who you cannot live without.

10.   Pray and read the Bible together

a.       This is listed at number ten, but in no way should this be the last thing you think about when it comes to your relationship. Reading the Bible and praying together develops an intimacy that few people realize. When two people read the Bible, a book that has dramatically changed their lives, and pray with each other their emotions, brokenness, and vulnerability. This is when intimacy based in Christ begins to develop in the relationship and it only culminates when eternity with Christ begins.

I know this has been a long post, and I know it is a post that some may write off due to the fact that I have been married for less than two months. But let me assure you that these are areas that will truly help you before, during, and after your marriage.

So in short: Learn self-sacrificing love, that seeks to build each other up, live to love each other through service, know that little things matter (sometimes more than the big ones), always say I love you, spend time together, seek to grow in your relationship with God together, and always put Him at the center of your marriage.

What I have learned about love by being engaged

Wow, it has been a fairly long time since I last posted. To all of you who actually read this, I apologize for my lack of attentiveness to this blog. But if you know me, then you know I have been extremely busy these past few months. Wedding planning can take up a lot of time, but I have enjoyed every minute of it. And through it all I have begun to realize something. Something has been made so crystal clear to me, like it never was before.

I have realized how incredibly in love I am with Elise. Now please don't write this post off as a lovey-dovey post, because although I do intend to be open about my feelings for Elise, I am going to dig deeper into what love is as portrayed by the Biblical model set forth for us. But you see I only began to completely understand this love, the love a husband has for his wife, as I have begun to spend so much time with Elise.

I never used to love others that much. In fact I would go so far as to say I was pretty self-centered. Sure I loved my family, maybe even some of my friends, but I was always number one. My priorities, my needs, my wants, my desires were always to be met first because I was the most important person in my life. Of course I loved God and put Him first, but I believe my love for Him has grown exponentially through this life changing journey I am on with Elise.

It all started when Elise and I began dating last year. For the first time in my life I began to put someone before myself. It was such a struggle, because my needs weren't first anymore for me. I cared about her. I sought to make her feel loved and special. I went out of my way to spoil her and make her feel like a princess. No longer was it "What does Nick want for dinner?", it was now "What does Elise want for dinner and how can I make it special?". You see I finally was understanding what true love is.

Love isn't about loving yourself. Love isn't about meeting your needs. Love isn't about how you feel. Love is sacrificial. Love is understanding. Love is being a servant. Love is being a leader. Love is loving someone else in a way that you would lay your life down for them. Love is so much more than a feeling or a desire, or the corrupted versions we see in film, television, and in novels. Love is rooted deeply in our Father God who modeled this for us in so many ways. The purpose of this blog post, as I said earlier, is to demonstrate the love God has for us and then looks at how we are to implement that love in our lives in practical and real ways.

The very best place to start looking at love in the Bible is at the beginning...the very beginning. If you look through the first three chapters of Genesis you will see a love unlike any other. God created a place for us as humans to live, grow, worship, commune together and with Him, experience life, emotions, and freedom all under this banner of love He has for us. God gave mankind everything they needed because He loved them and wanted someone to share this love with. We neither had nor deserved the life He gave us, but freely He gave it anyway.

Then what did mankind go and do, but mess everything up. We had it all, and we threw it in God's face in a moment, because we are selfish and our love was for ourselves. But God didn't turn His back on us. Instead He did something we all struggle to do when we are hurt and maligned. God forgave us, put a sacrifice in our place, clothed us, offered us redemption, and still loved us all the more. This is a love that is undeserving, its a love we didn't earn, it is a love we could never purchase or offer anything for it, and yet God freely gave it to us.

Our first lesson on what love is, is this: Love, that is love modeled by God Himself, is free, forgiving, and full. God first gave His love freely. God didn't have to make man, He didn't need to provide a place for Him to live, He didn't have to make a provision when man sinned, and He didn't need to give us anything. And yet that is exactly what He did. God gave His love to us free of charge and didn't ask for anything, except for our love in return. Next God's love is forgiving. Mankind slapped God in the face. Not only did they break His one commandment, they then ran and hid in an attempt to not be caught, then they lied about it. God had every right to condemn them and to rid the world of this despicable race that had now broken His heart, but instead God grieved and loved them more than they deserved. God offered them redemption and forgiveness. They didn't deserve it, they couldn't earn, they had no right to it, but God still offered it. Lastly we see how full God's love is. God doesn't just love us if we follow His rules. He doesn't only love us if we are perfect. He loves us no matter who we are. God created us to love us. God doesn't want any of us to perish but all of us to come to a saving knowledge of Him because He wants us to share in that love with Him.

Let us look at another passage or rather passages within the Gospel of Matthew. This is a love story about Christ coming into a world that was opposed to Him and embracing everyone He encountered, and then calling on them to turn from their sin and come to Him. The first thing we can see about love is that Christ met people where they were at and brought them to repentance. He met the lepers, outcasts, and those that people considered scum (granted this is from John, but it serves the point). Christ's love wasn't based upon who you were, it was based upon how you needed Him. Christ came with open arms, and an open heart. All we need to do is accept Him. You want a lesson in love, Christ is the teacher for it. Christ comes offering love to those who don't deserve it, and He was unbiased about who received it, as long as they accepted Him.

The last area of love I will touch on is this. Love is self-sacrificing. Christ didn't come here demanding we love Him. In fact when all He offered was love and salvation those He offered it to turned on Him and murdered Him. And yet Christ still sought them out. Christ came back and offered a plan of redemption and grace that characterizes the love we are to have for one another. It is a love that lays itself down, but that does so not seeking recognition, knowing some won't accept it, and knowing that it is the greatest demonstration of love that any could ever know. To lay your life down for someone who doesn't deserve it but that you love just because they are who they are is a true definition of love.

So love is this: free, forgiving, full, unbiased, it is for those who don't deserve it, and it is self-sacrificing. Love in marriage, and any relationship for that matter, should encompass all of these facets of Christ's love. There are many other qualities that I cannot touch on due to length this post would be. But let us see the magnitude and grace that God's love has for us. This is real love. The reasons marriages fail is because God isn't the center of them. Putting God first in your lives in all aspects will help you through those difficult times.

We need to realize that loving others is hard. When it comes to a spouse this can be especially true at some points in your marriage. Things will be said, feelings will be hurt, pride will be wounded. It will happen, but loving someone how Christ loved us means meeting them where they are at and not holding it against them. Show them your love and offer forgiveness. That is love! Show them how you are modeling Christ by offering forgiveness and compassion without lording it over them. Show them humility and grace, without payback. This is love, that He loved us first and we now demonstrate it to others.

I am not perfect. I know I cannot always love how God does because I am not God. I know I will mess up and fail. But my goal is to love like Christ loves me. He is our example, and I will do all I can to follow that. Going into this marriage I am seeking to honor Christ by loving my wife completely. I am no longer selfish, I am no long seeking gain, I am no longer seeking to be right always. Instead I am seeking to be selfless, I am seeking her gain and benefit, and I am seeking to serve and accept my imperfections while exhorting her to become better as well. Marriages are never easy, never perfect, and they take work but if you seek to love like Christ you will make it through.

And yes I do know I am new at this. In fact I am not even married yet, but it is amazing what God shows you when you read His Word and allow it to permeate your life. I also want everyone to realize that these are just a few examples of God's love that I have touched on. There are countless examples of His love for us and we are to model those examples as followers of Christ. I would love for you to share how you see God's love displayed elsewhere and how you implement it in your lives. By seeing, then implementing, and growing from it you will see your love for others and for God grow by leaps and bounds, and I would encourage that for all believers.

All this to say, I love you Elise, and I cannot wait to begin this next journey together as we seek to love God by loving each other as He loves us. I will serve you as Christ serves us, and seek to put you first always in my life.