Proactive ways to enhance your marriage before (and after) you say “I Do”

So I am married now! I know right?! I am thrilled to be a husband and to have a wife to go home to every day. It is a dream come true for me. I married my best friend and I couldn’t be happier.

Because of getting married, it has taken me a little while to get back to blogging as with the whirlwind of wedding planning, the wedding and honeymoon themselves, with moving Elise from her old place to our new home, and looking into ministry opportunities time has been anything but present or available.

But even with all the busyness, craziness, and stress nothing could damper married life. I love being married to my wife. In fact, I just like saying “my wife” because it comes naturally for me. I know for some of you reading this you will hasten to say “Be careful it is the honeymoon period” or “Just wait until you can’t hang out with the boys” or “Wait until dinner isn’t ready”. But in reality I don’t think Elise and I have a “honeymoon period” nor will we be looking to jump on to any one issue to damper our relationship.

Sure I know hard times will come, disagreements will abound, stress will arise, and hardships will show their faces but that doesn’t mean I have to love being married any less. Elise and I know that marriage takes work and that we have growing to do, but I also know that we have entered into the covenant prepared. What I would like to communicate to you are some proactive steps to take before marriage to help prepare you to deal with problems that could, and most likely will, arise during your marriage.

1.       Open and honest communication

a.       Communication in any relationship is vital to its success. If you cannot talk to one another, than simple issues become problems, problems become grudges, grudges lead to hurt, hurt leads to unsolved heartbreak, and heartbreak leads to unresolved issues that fracture a relationship. Communication is hard for me personally as I tend to internalize and attempt to deal with all my problems on my own. But this leads to stress, emotional distress, and more gray hairs than I care to mention. This step will take some concessions from both people as you must learn to be open and honest about what is going on in your life, which also means being willing to go on to step two. For those preparing to go into marriage seek out meaningful conversation, ask open-ended questions, and look to know your future spouse better than anyone else.

2.       Be willing to accept fault and apologize

a.       When you are being open and honest there will come times when you will need to admit you messed up and apologize for what you have done. This takes a great amount of humility and self-awareness on the part of the one admitting wrong, but the one to whom it is being conveyed should also exercise step three.  Admitting wrong and seeking forgiveness and grace will always point us towards our heavenly Father. When we begin to see how He bestows grace on those who confess we understand just how pivotal it is for us to follow suit.

3.       Always forgive

a.       When your spouse, or soon to be spouse, comes to reconcile and ask forgiveness, do not hold out on granting that to them. Forgiveness is essential in a marriage. If you harbor pain, hurts, anger, and resentment you will not only become embittered, you will always assume the worst, seek to hurt your spouse, and always be looking for excuses and a way out. This is not how a marriage should look. Again, we are to remember Christ’s example to us, in how He loved us in spite of our short comings and always forgave even when it was underserved.

4.       Engage in premarital (and possibly other) counseling

a.       This is something that to most Christians seems like a no-brainer as it has become almost the norm for any Christian couple to have some sort of premarital counseling. But most Christians also have a preconceived notion that it will be just a “ho-hum” sort of thing, where it will be rife with awkward conversations, outdated material, and little if any help to an actual marriage. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. Going to a counselor is one the best things you can do as a couple because it forces you to think through issues you may not have as a couple, you see your differences and learn to work with them, you see the ways you are strong and weak as a couple, and you learn how to love better. Going to see a counselor doesn’t mean you are weak or that you have problems, but it does help you to stop problems from occurring, and grow in your love for one another.

5.       Be a servant

a.       This I cannot emphasize enough. Marriage is not about you. Marriage is not about one person or the other. It is about two becoming one and each working to serve the other in order to benefit each other. This is hard to do, and if you enter a marriage believing you can begin to model it only after you say “I do” you are horribly mistaken. This needs to start taking place before you even begin to think about marriage. I keep coming back to the model Christ set forth (because it is the only model we need) and Christ modeled being a servant throughout His entire ministry and as such we need to model this to our spouses. Learn self-sacrificing love that seeks to build each other up (see step six), strive to serve through all aspects of your life, and never use being a servant as a manipulative tool.

6.       Don’t look to criticize, look to empower

a.       When you are in a relationship you should never look to criticize your significant other or put them down. Our society says otherwise. If you watch television, go to the movies, or witness relationships that are self-seeking and not about serving, you can see clearly how both partners put each other down. This is not love, this is not the cornerstone for a relationship, and in fact this will destroy any relationship you have. We should not look to break down one another but instead we should look to encourage and build up our spouses. They are set apart for us by God and should be treated as the very gift they are to us.

7.       Seek to put aside love of self

a.       Marriage is interesting because you learn more about yourself by putting yourself aside. That isn’t to say you don’t care about yourself or your needs, but rather you put someone else’s needs before your own. This is a tough nut to chew because truly loving someone means putting their needs and desires ahead of your own, understanding it isn’t always about you, and realizing that love and marriage takes work.

8.       Put God as the center

a.       If you truly want your marriage to be one that grows and is a blessing to both people, than God must be the center. I can tell you that sharing the same faith and love for God that my wife does, has made my marriage a thousand times better. To see her passion and love for God as we serve in our church, as we pray, as we read the Bible, it makes me love her all the more. God is the reason we are together, the reason we click, the reason we always will be together, our Rock in hard times, and the cornerstone of our marriage. He will get us, and you, through the hard times, be there during the good times, and never will He abandon you.

9.       Seek to marry your best friend

a.       I know that sometimes people aren’t looking to get married and that person appears seemingly at random, but that shouldn’t stop you from seeking to know that person as best you can. I have been blessed to marry my very best friend. Elise and I have known each other for over seven years now, and because of that we know so much about each other. Sure there is always more to learn, like what type of laundry detergent someone likes, but that comes with time. My point is that even on those rough days where you are in a disagreement with your spouse, you realize it is your best friend and the love of your life and know that together you can make it through anything. In short, don’t settle for marrying someone other than your best friend, someone other than the one person who you cannot live without.

10.   Pray and read the Bible together

a.       This is listed at number ten, but in no way should this be the last thing you think about when it comes to your relationship. Reading the Bible and praying together develops an intimacy that few people realize. When two people read the Bible, a book that has dramatically changed their lives, and pray with each other their emotions, brokenness, and vulnerability. This is when intimacy based in Christ begins to develop in the relationship and it only culminates when eternity with Christ begins.

I know this has been a long post, and I know it is a post that some may write off due to the fact that I have been married for less than two months. But let me assure you that these are areas that will truly help you before, during, and after your marriage.

So in short: Learn self-sacrificing love, that seeks to build each other up, live to love each other through service, know that little things matter (sometimes more than the big ones), always say I love you, spend time together, seek to grow in your relationship with God together, and always put Him at the center of your marriage.

Support for MBI in the Face of Criticism

As many of you know, I am a proud Moody Bible Institute (MBI) graduate. I never intended to go there; in fact back in high school ministry was the farthest thing from my mind. But it is so typical that when we are not looking at our lives the way God does, He radically changes our direction so we see His goal and plan for us. Moody profoundly impacted my life, as it has some many others, and has done great things for the kingdom, so it shocked me when I read this blog decrying Moody's stance on a certain issue: Women in ministry, specifically pastoral ministry.

The above blog has generated a lot of comments, with many of them crying out against MBI's complementarian (Men and Women having different roles within the church) attitude, and attacking its current conservative stance. My purpose in this writing is not to bad-mouth the author of said blog, nor to spawn harsh criticisms, but merely to offer a differing view of MBI through my own experience and the observations I saw during my tenure there.

During my time at MBI I realized I didn't agree with everything that Moody outlined in their rules and regulations. For instance we couldn't watch movies in the dorms, go dancing, drink even if you were over the age of twenty-one, you had a curfew until you were twenty-one, and there were quiet hours. For a college student who had just turned twenty-one I felt extremely restricted and I became very upset with the administration of MBI. My friends and I would spend hours lamenting and lambasting the ultra-conservative and backwards thinking leadership and the donors who, because of their willingness to give, held sway over the leadership and therefore the rules of Moody.

And because of this I (and a few others) rebelled and broke the rules.  I readily admit that I watched movies and T.V. shows, I went dancing a couple times (although what I do should hardly be called dancing), and stayed out after curfew. My attitude was "who are these people that they believe they can control my life just because I attend their school?" Looking back now I realize how childish, naive, and flat out rebellious I was. I felt entitled and wanted to be treated as such. I failed to see that these rules were put in place to protect, guide, and prepare for my future and were not designed to hurt me as I believed. I looked like and sounded like a spoiled child.

But I have digressed from what I originally decided to speak about which is addressing the topic from the aforementioned blog: the seemingly over-bearing, ultra conservative, women subduing nature of the current administration of MBI.

That in and of itself is the nature of that blog post. It is crying afoul that Moody has stripped itself from its original moorings, which were progressive in the nature of women's rights, and then proceeds to critique the conservative stance Moody has taken. Now these are two very large topics to handle so strap yourself in folks, because it could be one long posting.

First let me address the author's tone and the tone of those commenting on the blog. In looking at their responses it is clear that they are upset that Moody is not doing what they want. They believe that Moody should be run differently because they believe differently. Well first of all that sounds a lot like the entitled attitude I used to have. Moody didn't hide anything from those who decided to go there. You had to fill out the application packet, sign the forms, agree to their doctrinal statement, and follow the rules and regulations governing student life. This was a choice that those who attended MBI agreed to abide by. That isn't Moody's fault. They chose to go there. Even if you found it to have been very different from what you thought it to be, than you could have transferred. So by staying there you agreed to submit to the rules. You may not like them, but stop complaining about them. There a literally hundreds of other liberal arts Bible colleges we could have gone to that would have been better suited to your needs if you felt so strongly about MBI.

Second the nature of women in the pastoral role has become a heated topic throughout the last century. And the reason for this is that liberalism has crept into our churches and has caused them to sway from the Gospel. Turn on the television or radio and listen to the garbage people are proclaiming as truth. They say there are multiple paths to heaven, that works account for more than the atonement, that Christ wasn't fully man or God but a man empowered by God, that Christ didn't die to save but rather to appease the Deceiver himself. That is the reason Moody has taken such a conservative stance. They have decided to stand upon the Gospel, not the teachings of men. They have decided to proclaim truth, instead of whimsical feelings. They have decided to be like Christ and as such counter the "norms" of our society.

However, I will say this: Moody is very complementarian. It's a fact. But complementarian does not mean that Moody believes in ridiculing, belittling, ostracizing, or displacing women. It does mean that in accordance with the Word of God (1 Timothy 3:1-13, Titus 1:5-16, Ephesians 5:22-33) that men and women serve differently in roles in the church. Yes there are those women in the Bible who serve in a variety of capacities in the church, but from the Greek translations of the text it would appear that all positions of overseer/shepherd/pastor are all oriented towards men.

This is not a slight by God on the women of the world, nor is it an attack by Moody against women's rights. If you look in the Bible God outlines roles and headship for a reason. Not to be overbearing and hurtful but to provide loving leadership, guidance, and support. I would encourage everyone to look to this book (Our counseling book). It is a book about pre-marital issues but it talks in depth about the roles in the household, church, and our lives with God and helps to serve the point here. Moody is not gender biased, nor do they believe in suppressing women in the church, but yes they do submit to the Biblical model of headship and having men only serve as pastors.

Now are all professors, students, faculty, and staff going to treat this subject with the proper vestiges of love, compassion, forgiveness, and tact? No, they won't. I observed like many of the comments stated in the blog that some people, students and staff alike, would approach this subject with ridicule and a condescending tone. This is first and foremost a sin as it isn't Christ-like. We are called to model Christ in all we do, say, and think and that attitude is none of those. Also, how does that come across to the women who are questioning their role in a church? If I were in their shoes I would feel angry, hurt, disillusioned, and like a lesser human being.

But please hear me out! That is not the majority of MBI. You will run into those who are critical, mean, hurtful, ignorant, and self-absorbed wherever you may go. No that doesn't justify it, but please do not allow the hurtful and childish actions of the minority to corrupt your view of the entire institution. I will not pretend to know everything that transpired at MBI because I don't, but as I stated that is my experience. Please do not allow the mistakes of a few to count against the many. The majority at MBI practice what the Bible says, and look to live as Christ intended.

As for women in the Pastoral Studies program, I will speak on that from direct experience. I loved my major, the department, and the godly men and women who served in that department. It is ironic to me that the author of the blog decries Moody not allowing women in ministry because Women's Ministries are located within the Pastoral Department. Moody obviously believes that women have roles and positions in the church that they can serve in. They are not trying to brush them under the rug in a vain attempt to appear equal. They allow women in all classes. I for one can recall numerous classes, both preaching and pastoral in general, where women would attend, contribute, and dare I say it...preach?! Gasp! So where the author of the blog draws his conclusions from I do not know, because my observations within the department were quite different.

Lastly I would like to touch on the subject of conservatism that has now become the norm at Moody. This runs hand in hand with the last topic of women in ministry because that is where the idea formulates. Moody takes a literal interpretation of Scripture and as such has refused to allow for modern distortions of theology and doctrine to take hold of its mantra and instead has stood the solid ground of staying true to the Word of God. I am not decrying anyone who may be liberal, but I would decry a liberal interpretation of the Gospel.

To take a liberal approach on the interpretation of God's holy word and subject it to the whims and fantasies of men will give us the same heresies the church father's fought so hard to prove false. Liberal theology has allowed for other methods of salvation, heresy that Jesus wasn't God, the establishment of Universalism, the corruption of leadership, and the allowance of blatant habitual sin within our churches. That is why Moody has chosen to take a stand on Biblical conservatism. Not to bind any one person or group, but instead to protect its core values and the very nature of the Word of God, and in so doing the people of God as well.

The author of the blog also points out that Moody was progressive back when it was founded. Moody indeed challenged the thoughts and common practices of the culture, but all with the confines of the Biblical mandate as set forth through the Bible that God Himself gave to mankind. So if that is what makes MBI progressive then they are still progressive today as they stand in the face of society that tells them to conform and yet they choose to stand apart as God has called all believers to do. Being progressive does not mean turning a blind eye to something we are not comfortable with but rather addressing it in love, civility, and understanding.

Please hear me out. I am not looking to condemn, to cause arguments, or to attack. I am attempting to engage in dialogue, spur discussion, defend my Alma Mater, and ultimately help one another grow in our understanding of the Word of God. Should you wish to comment on this posting, please keep it civil, and remember to comment out of love not anger or hurt. I would love to talk more and to share my heart and thoughts with any who would like to hear.