Why it's worth it

Ministry--let's be real shall we--it isn't always glorious. It isn't always rewarding. It isn't always easy.

You don't usually hear that right out of Bible college or seminary. You hear just the opposite: You're equipped! Thousands like you have gone before. Take the world by storm. Be Jesus to the masses.

The reality is this: ministry is difficult, messy, full of broken people, and not about you. This can lead us to some very hard places. Places of doubt and anxiety. Feelings of am I good enough? We may question our calling and if it's time to move on.

I've been there. In fact, if I were completely honest, I've been there more times than I care to admit. I just walked through a period exactly like I described. Feelings of doubt. Questions of calling. Hurt. Depression. Worthlessness. Asking God why...

The truth is I questioned if I was to be in ministry after a very, very hard season. A season that saw much pain and grief. A season marked by lack of affirmation, being moved without understanding why, and wondering why we were leaving good students who we loved and cared for.

"God," I cried out, "Why does it hurt?! Did You not call me to this? Why is there so much pain? Such heartache? Do you have a plan? Am I washed up?"

Many of you are or have been there. You question why. You wonder if you're called. You take a break from ministry to heal and consider not going back. You cry...for hours, days, months...you've been there. I have too.

But in walking through this I have seen that it is worth it. That God has a plan. That ministry can and will get better. That there is light at the end of the very long tunnel. That we are called. That the enemy will try to use doubt, inadequacies, hurtful comments, critical natures, and rough patches to try to turn you from being God's faithful servant.

Brothers and sisters hear me: we are called according to God's purpose, by the One who foreknew us, and is using us to accomplish His workmanship! Ministry was never meant to be easy. We are called to a life of difficulty in ministering to a world that has turned its back on its Savior. There will be moments of suffering, moments of fracturing, but also moments of great joy!

We do not do this for our own affirmation. We do not do this for notoriety. We do not do this to be the best friend of students or to be the most popular youth pastor. We do not do this to be liked or given gifts. We do not do this to be the center. We do this to point to the Center: our Savior.

This season was hard. As I was sharing with my students about why God was calling us away. As I wept openly looking at students that I had become a father to. As I asked why, God spoke. He spoke through the many hands that students laid on my wife and I. He spoke through the parents who hugged us goodbye. He nourished our spirits as students and volunteers talked of how God worked through us to help them. He wept with Elise and I as we said goodbye to our home. He rejoiced as we were welcomed to where He called us. He smiled as we connected with new students. He whispered "trust Me" as we began to faithfully walk in a new ministry and season.

My friends. My co-laborers. Know that ministry is hard, but it is worth it! We may not always see it on this side of eternity, but know that you can continue to serve because our rest and our reward is in Him and Him alone. The author and perfecter of all things! It will get better, God will use you, lives will be changed, and God will say, "Well done, My good and faithful servant." Ministry is worth it!

29 going on 30

Wow! I cannot believe I am going to be 30 this Friday. It is crazy to think that I am already done with 29 years, and entering into the middle portion of my life. I know for many of you reading this you may say "Nick, you aren't that old" or "you have the best years ahead of you," but for some reason I can't help but reflect on what has occurred in my life these past years. So I wanted to share just some momentous years from this past decade with you. So sit back and check out some of the high points in the last ten years!

• I enrolled at Moody Bible Institute in 2006.
• I graduated college in 2009.
• I began a temporary career in security in 2009 that resulted in learning some pretty cool stuff and meeting some incredible people.
• I bought my first new car in 2011. Wrecked it, and bought another.
• I began working as a senior pastor at a church in New Egypt, New Jersey in 2011.
• I got my own place for the first time ever in 2011. It wasn't the prettiest but I struck out on my own!
• Elise and I began dating in 2012.
• I moved to Iowa in 2012.
• Elise and I became engaged in 2012 at Wrigley Field in Chicago.
• Elise and I got married on July 13, 2013!!!
• Elise and I took our first trip together outside of the country to Jamaica in 2013.
• I accepted a position at Parkview Church in Iowa City working with their Student Ministry Program.
• Elise and I relocated to Iowa City in 2013.
• I helped to orchestrate the biggest high school outreach for Parkview that is now entering its third year.
• I took my first missions trip since college to Belize in 2014.
• Elise and I celebrated our one year anniversary.
• Elise and I began sponsoring our Compassion Child, Subhashree, in 2015.
• Elise and I went on vacation to Mackinaw.
• Elise and I celebrated two years of marriag.
• I began my pursuing a dream of obtaining my Masters in Biblical Counseling with a Youth and Family emphasis.
• I started formulating the outline for a book proposal on holistic counseling for those who have walked through abuse, the abuser, and their families.

Call it a bit of nostalgia or reminiscing or Facebook flooding me with memories or whatever, but these past ten years have been pretty good to me, and because of that I think I do not want to let go. I think that is the way many of us lead our lives. We stay focused on the past. Things worked this way in the past so we must continue to do them this way, even if a newer way may be more effective. We had our best years behind us, and fear the future. We are getting older and weaker and our bodies don't work like they used to. As I sat here reflecting on my past, as amazing as it was, I realized that this mentality was rooted in something: fear. Fear of the future. Fear of aging. Fear of becoming irrelevant. Fear of the end. Fear of not meeting goals. Fear of failing. You name it, fear has become the master of our lives. But why is that? Why is this rooted there?

Have you ever noticed fear being used in the Bible? Have you also noticed that it is usually used within the context of "fear not"? God knows that we as humans fear. We fear disease, famine, wars, ISIS, terrorism, cancer, death, the afterlife, school, tests, tomorrow, interactions, loss, being told no, our mirror, our true selves. But the crazy thing is that in the midst of all this fear God tells us to fear not.

Fear not. It is a funny phrase. Fear not. Literally do not fear. But why shouldn't we fear? Isaiah 41:10 says this: Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand. We don't have to fear because the Alpha and Omega, the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, I am, Jehovah, the Creator, the Everlasting God will always protect us and see us through things.

Thirty is a new milestone for me. It symbolizes the unknown, a new road to follow, getting older and hopefully wiser, more life changes. In the midst of it all I am vowing to FEAR NOT! And because of that I decided to make a list, not a bucket list, but a list of things that in faith I believe God will accomplish in this next decade of my life. So here ya go:

• Elise and I will celebrate ten years of being married and many more after that!
• I will graduate with my masters.
• I will begin actually writing and potentially publishing one of my books.
• I will continue to allow God to use me as a minister for His kingdom.
• Elise and I will see God grow our family.
• Elise and I will get a dog.
• I will pay off my debt.
• Elise and I can sponsor more Compassion Children.
• Elise and I will travel more.
• The ministry I serve in will grow and impact people with the Gospel.
• I will grow in my knowledge of God.
• I will grow in my knowledge of counseling.
• I will help family members come to know Jesus.

So here is to turning thirty! Not just another year older. Not just more gray hairs. Not feeling aged. But trusting God to continue to work in my life and use me as His hands and feet to bring this world to know the saving power of grace. 

Knees

Everyday students from my youth group would walk into their schools and drop to their knees and pray out loud for their school, their teachers, their friends and their enemies. Have you dropped to your knees lately? - Sam Bhatt

That question has been plaguing my mind often these past few months, and it feels like even more so these last couple of weeks. This notion of prayer, daily, constant prayer, that can radically change your life and bring about results you never dreamed of. This has been something that has been causing some inner struggle for me. 

I am a control freak and a fixer. Any guy who reads this will probably be able to relate to that statement in some way. It isn't that I have to micromanage my life or the lives of those around me, but I don't like to feel, well, out of control. I like to keep myself, my life, my family safe and secure. I like security (I was in that business for years after all) and comfort and consistency. Change is hard. Trust is hard. If there is a problem I like to fix it. I don't like leaving projects incomplete, conversations unfinished, problems unsolved, or wrongs not righted. It is who I am as a guy. I like to have my life just so, I like to protect those I love, heal their hurts, provide for them, and give them what they need.

But recently I have been confronted with just how out of control I am. I have no power, no control, no authority. I have been wrestling long and hard with failures I have committed, wrongs I have done, not having enough financial stability to offer peace, fear of the future and the unknown, questioning different medical issues (no I am not dying). I have been clutching onto my own power, my own will, my own safety, my own comfort. I have been refusing to trust God. And I know I have written about faith and trust before but I am finding now just how much my heart is grieved by the fact I don't go to God with my troubles and pains. Instead I convince myself that I, a sinful and fallen human being, can radically alter my own life and remove the pain, hurt, doubt, and fear all on my own.

I have been attempting to do this for years and to be quite honest with you...it sucks! I can't put it any other way. Trying again and again and again to maintain a life of comfort, to meet everyone's needs, to provide beyond my means, to go at it alone, to fix everyone's problems, to do it my way. I have and continue to be that guy. That guy who follows Jesus but is scared to death of what giving everything to Him looks like.  I am terrified of saying, "God here is my family, God here are my finances, God here are my medical bills, God here are my fears, God here is the control. God here is my life."

Because what if He doesn't answer how I want? What if His fixing of the problem isn't the same as mine? What if God says no? This terrifies me so much. It scares me to the point I wake up at night. I wonder and worry about circumstances I cannot control because of just that. I have no control and that scares me.

But I believe God is working on my heart and saying "my child don't you know I only want the best for you?" God's Word says that He knows me. He knew me in my mother's womb. He knows the exact number of hairs on my head. God knows my prayers even when I don't. He knows me better than I know myself. He leads me beside still waters, He comforts me, He protects me, He is always anointing me with His goodness and love. See Scripture makes it clear that God is the God of all comfort, goodness, hope, and peace, and that He can do more than we could ever ask or imagine. God isn't a God who stands in the shadows hoping to act when we refuse to give up control, our God is one who is constantly acting and orchestrating our lives even when we don't see it. But when we give up control, when we let fear go, when we take a step of faith, God is there to say "my child come to me, my burden is light and I have this. I will and always have taken care of you. Put all your worries and doubts on me. I love you my child and I will always be your loving, caring, and sustaining Father."

So yes, while doubt, fear, worry, and control plague my life on a daily basis, even louder rings this truth: My God, my Dad, is in control. I don't need to worry or fear, God will handle it. When I am overwhelmed by a cloud of doubt or anxiety, when I cannot see the light at the end of this dark valley, when I fear the unknown, when life becomes too much to bear, God, my God, is in complete control.

I can't say this is easy. I can't say that I like this feeling but it is something I am learning to embrace. And each day I am making it a habit to hit my knees on the floor as I cry out to God. I cry out and declare my lack of control, I lay out my fears and insecurities, I beg for guidance, and I ask for strength to rely upon His sovereignty and all-encompassing love. I truly believe many of us struggle with this, and I would plead with you to hit your knees as well. Go before your Father each day and ask for the strength we don't have, the guidance we need, the faith we should have, and a desire to cede control each and every day. It is truly in the lack of control that we can rest easy and know that control isn't ours but instead the Creator of the universe is in control of everything.